Mother Mary, the #wingwoman

If my life had a tagline, it would be Exodus 14:14. Ironic because being still is probably the hardest thing for every cell in my body to do. My mind works like a spiderweb; one thought leads to at least 15 others. The second verse that I've learned to live my life with would be Psalm 37:4. It's helped me to understand the importance of uniting my heart with Christ's so that ultimately my desires are His.

As I read an old blogpost from almost a year ago, I can't help but be reminded by a quote from one of my Saint friends, St. Edith Stein:

"What lay outside my plans for myself lay within God's plan for me."

Right she was! Because recently God blessed me with someone who tangibly embodies those two life verses. God perfectly paved the way for us by giving us such bountiful, beautiful years of friendship. I was never pressured to be someone else around this person, and I always found my heart at rest around him. The Lord fought our personal battles for us so that when the time was right, we both didn't have to struggle with being ashamed of baring our humanity to each other.  Genuine friendship allowed us to be who we were called to be; there was comfort in the knowledge that we already accepted each other.

We are both so different from who we were when we first met, but I believe that to be the blessing- that we have the opportunity to be witnesses of how powerful God's transformative love is. Our relationship as brother and sister in Christ helped us to embrace each other's flaws and four years later I can only attest to how God's glory is so wonderfully and powerfully shown through him.  I was dramatic and complicated. He was lukewarm and allergic to emotion. Now I've learned to channel my emotions into passion for Christ's mission while his struggle for pride allowed him to become a confident and strong defender of the faith as a leader in the CFC-Youth GTA community.

As I began to seriously journey in my faith my greatest prayers were to find Jesus, have him permanently live in my heart, and making him my greatest desire. And that's what I worked so fervently on. For the past year I asked Mother Mary to guide me. She lead me to the burning furnace of Jesus' Sacred Heart and I consciously worked on imitating her virtues by way of consecration to her Immaculate Heart.

God blessed me with an ever-growing and inspiring Sector (CFC-Youth GTA West) and a household that constantly challenged me to be a better leader and woman of God. It wasn't an easy task and I wanted to give up many times in the past 20 months, but I knew that this position was God's way of funnelling his love for me in one "place". In my care were 300 souls and I was called to love every single one of them, especially the ones who were hardest to love, to accept, to care for. That's exactly what I pushed myself to do- to pray harder so that I could love bigger.

I stopped looking at my own wounds. I stopped focusing on my own pain. I stopped yearning for worldly shallow desires. I looked to Mama Mary who was fully human and lived a life of complete submission to Christ.

Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done to me according to thy word.

At the end of each day, I reminded myself that the only place I needed to be was at the foot of Jesus' cross. At the end of each day I needed to find myself standing on Mt. Calvary. Some days were easy, while others were just down right painful. But whether I ran to the top, dragged my feet along the way, or gleefully jogged towards my destination, at the end of each day I needed to be able to say to Jesus that I had carried my cross as best as I could, that I did it with genuine love for Him and my neighbours.

Loving 300 people made it easier for me to be vulnerable to the one person God was preparing me for at this time of my life.

Little did I know that as I focused on being the best version of myself, God was also working double time on someone who was already a big part of my life. He isn't perfect; he has his own struggles, he has his own skeletons in the closet, and his own baggage that he has to deal with. But what I can say is that at the end of each day, he also willingly looked on and journeyed with Mother Mary. He devoted himself to her, immersed himself in way of the Rosary and fell in love with the most beautiful woman to ever grace this planet. He surrounded himself with her so much that he too ended up where she was, which was at the foot of Her son's cross. 

It was there that we met. It is there that we stand. It is there that we both pray our blossoming Christ-centered relationship will take root, grow, and bear fruit. 

John 15:4-8

I never had to settle, lose myself in the process, or compromise my own values & beliefs. I'm so grateful that the Lord pruned me little by little over the years because I can willingly receive this blessing with the fullness of Christ's love and without fear.

"Do not be anxious bout anything, but by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:6

We don't know where this relationship will lead us, but we do know that at this very moment our relationship is a gift from God. We will continue to protect each other's holiness and desire nothing less than heaven for one another.

Heart of Jesus, we adore Thee.
Heart of Mary, we implore thee.
Heart of Joseph, meek and just,
In these three Hearts we both place our trust.
Amen.

Mother, May I?

After three years of journey with Mary through the chosen themes of the Couples for Christ community (Magnificat, Wedding at Cana, Behold & Ponder) one has to simply ask, "Why Mary?"

I must admit that before last year I never really acknowledged her that much. I began my journey back to the Church in 2012 and throughout that time God revealed one consistent thing: roses. My understanding of what He meant back then was completely different. If I was just entering the streams of the Water of Life, I bothered with nothing else but to simply wade in the shallow waters. It was easier to secure my safety by staying at a place that I could easily get myself out of, lest I drown.

But alas, the Lord's love for me is so immense that in order for me to fully realize that very truth, I had to swim further into the depths. He wasn't asking me to just swim, he was asking me to dive deeper and deeper. It hasn't been an easy journey and it still isn't an easy journey.

Which brings me back to Mary. There's just something about her. Her strength was in silence, her joy anchored in the sorrows of her crucified Son. All that she was- a stark contrast to what the world then and the world know accepts as truth. The blues of her cloak subtle but powerful against the monochromatic synchronicities of life as we know it.

Her Virtues:

• Ardent Charity: Love for God, her drive behind all decision making
• Profound humility: Never forgetting who she was before God
• Universal Mortification: Laying down her life and will 24/7
• Constant Mental Prayer: Aware of God's constant presence
• Blind Obedience: Following God without counting cost
• Divine Wisdom: Always asking the Holy Spirit to guide her 
• Surpassing Purity: Maintaining a clean heart and unstained from sin
• Angelic Sweetness: Radiating peace and joy from the heart
• Lively Faith: Seeking God's will and never settling for complacency
• Heroic Patience: Trusting God and never losing faith that His plans are greater

When we look at a disaster zone (flood, tornado, typhoons, etc.) We always seem to look at the surrounding areas. When we realize everything around it is just as destroyed, our hearts become heavy. But, if you look up at the sky it always gives off some sort of light- whether from the sun or the moon, there is always the promise of a new day. Like Mary, there is always the promise of a Saviour born- Jesus Christ, the Light of the World.

----

What seemingly was just a reminder of my patron saint, St. Therese and the guidance of another saintly friend, St. Rita grew to be something more grand and elaborate. The Lord has revealed, is revealing and will hopefully continue to reveal roses to me so that I never forget to turn to His mother, Mary. It is a reminder to Behold & Ponder. A promise that carries with it a brighter tomorrow, a life eternal. Mary after all, is the Mystical Rose.

Queen of the Holy ROSE-ary.

I pray that I may slowly adapt her virtues, so that I can continue to be an effective evangelizer of Christ and in some way a lampstand that helps to share the Light to those in darkness.

One day, urged I think by the Holy Spirit, I went to church, and with my heart full of trust, I asked: "Why did you wish to remain on earth, on every point of the earth, in the most sweet Eucharist, and you have not found, you who are God, also a way to bring and to leave here Mary, the mother of all of us who journey?"

And from the tabernacle, in the silence he seemed to reply: "I have not left her because I want to see her again in you. Even if you are not immaculte, my love will virginize you, and you, all of you, will open your arms and hearts as mothers of humanity, which, as in times past, thirsts for God and for his mother."- Chiara Lubich (No thorn without a Rose)

Feast Day of the Little Rose

The year has come and gone so quickly. I look back at my calendar and wonder how I survived the whirlwind of events that have transpired. I look forward to the rest of the year and still so much has to be done. 

Today is October 1st: the feast day of my patron saint and the beginning of the month of the Holy rosary intersect. I attened the 7pm mass with nothing but extreme longing and desire in my heart- some I understood and others I have been trying to understand for the past few weeks. Regardless, I brought them all today at the foot of the cross as I walked up to receive the Holy Eucharist. I received Him joyfully knowing that Mother Mary and St. Therese were watching over me.

I walked towards the adoration chapel and knelt down.
I started to take in the quietness around me:
the gentleness that was on Mary's face;
the playfulness in baby Jesus/Sto. Nino;
the rays that extended down from the Divine Mercy;
the grandeur and simplicity of the Holy Eucharist, of Christ before me.

Then: Embraced with Mercy. Kissed with grace. Covered by love, with love, for his love.

“For me, prayer is a surge of the heart; it is a simple look turned toward heaven, it is a cry of recognition & of love, embracing both trial and joy.”

- St. Therese of Lisieux

Names started to flash in my head along with faces. I stopped worrying over my own needs. I looked towards the poverty of His Spirit in the world and in the community. I prayed for the hearts of others. I prayed for the salvation of souls. I prayed for the conversion of fellow sinners.  I haven't prayed with so much passion in a long time. 

My life needs to reflect His greatness. To accept and embrace the hope He brings. To be that vessel of hope to others, a vessel that runs on love- love for Him and love for others. It means allowing everything about me to sing of that love. Even the broken parts of me. Especially the broken parts of me. 

I shall approach the rest of this year with continuous prayer and sacrifice. Like St. Therese I will find strength in these, and have them be my invincible arms. To hope that they move the hearts of others towards no one else but Christ. And like Mother Mary I will strive to shine like a moon, reflecting the burning passion of love- the Son. 


And just as it struck midnight, my counterpart handed me a gift- my very own Marian Devotions book. One tiny prayer answered, a simple joy given. And it's only been day 1.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; 

your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

- Psalm138:8

I take you, as my beloved.

"The Lord is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy."

ㅡPsalm 145:8

On July 13, 2013 my parents renewed their wedding vows after twenty-five beautiful years. I really thought I prepared myself for the emotional roller coaster that hits most people at weddings, but...it just couldn't be helped. My mom walked down the aisle as the original Liveloud song "Gracious God" was being sung. It goes like this:

Gracious God, mighty one on high.

All powerful, Lord and Saviour of my life.

You are worthy to be praised. 

You are worthy to be praised.

Gracious God, You conquered darkness with light.

You've changed this wasteland to be my home, gave me life.

You are worthy to be praised. 

You are worthy to be praised.

Lord I lift my praise to you, for All that You are.

I surrender my life to You for all You've done for me (Lord)

I'll declare to the world how great You are

For You are my Gracious God.

-------

Unstoppable tears. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. It wasn't just  my father taking my mother's hand at the altar, it was God taking them into His arms. I didn't see two people, instead I saw three. As the vocalist sang, I could see two hearts jumping and dancing around each other. The song became a silent declaration magnified. 

My background in Education never fails to remind me of the horrific fact that the rate of successful marriages in Canada is 1 in 2. That means that my parents rose above the tragic statistic which says love is only worth 50% the fight. Imagine that. 

1 out of 2 couples end up in divorce. 

50% of marriages end. 

Yet, here they are very much alive and in love after 25 years. 

Wow. 

Both my parents are Marian devotees and that's probably why their marriage beat the odds. They not only asked God for guidance, they also asked His mother to intercede. Their marriage is rooted beyond emotions and feel good moments. It's rooted in something sacred, something eternal. Their marriage is blessed by and through God so of course everything that He is manifests in their relationship. He is boundless, endless and overflowing in love, mercy & grace, thus their marriage reflects just that!

As they both uttered the words that renewed their vows my whole being became so hyper sensitive to the presence of the Holy Spirit. I could feel the Sacred Heart (also the name of the church) coming alive before my eyes- the synchronization of three hearts beating as one, two lives so closely intertwined woven into the fabric of  His eternity. 

The transportation of Heaven on earth and earth on heaven.

The vows exchanged between man and woman are so sacred and so holy. It mirrors the vows that Jesus Christ sealed with His people through the Cross. God doesn't make promises, He makes covenants. He made a covenant with Moses, with Abraham, and the other prophets before us. Therefore, a wedding vow isn't just a promise, it's a covenant. An unbreakable, unshakable force. 

Then, I had a revelation. Something so blatantly obvious put under a brighter light, His light. I am a manifestation of that vow between my parents and God. The fruition of prayers and sacrifices, of Yes's and I do's. I am a product of faith, hope and love. 

My dear daughter, 

You are Precious. You are Divine. You are Mine. 

I can't doubt that. Not when I'm surrounded by two people who live that message so clearly every day of my life.

Oceans Deep

"I will not bring to the Lord that which costs me nothing."- 1 Chronicles 21:24 

When the most important people, places and things start getting taken away from you, then it is a sign that you are indeed getting closer to Christ. The more we anchor ourselves and our hearts toward God, the more we will be asked to give up the things we value in this world. Why? Because He is not of this world.  Christ took up His cross, so what makes us think that we are exempt from taking up our own?

I've had to let go of some pretty important things in my life; someone that used to bring me emotional and mental security, and a job that secured my future financially. However it is only through this "cleansing" that God has become my one and only source of hope, truth and light. The less grip I have on worldly things, the wider my hands are spread out- the best position for Him to fill it with his love and mercy. The less I carry with me in my heart, the quicker I can get to where He is.

Ever since I've rediscovered God a year and a half ago, I've asked him to show me how to trust Him with every part of me and with every fibre of my being. Be careful of what you ask for because He will answer you in the firmest way possible. Firm but personal.

As of Thursday, June 27 at 4:31pm I will be unemployed. I've been asked to resign due to x, y, and z reasons. I thought I'd have some pretty violent emotional reactions, but to my surprise I feel peace. He is taking away something that means a lot to me. That could only mean that God is asking me to move forward- forward towards something greater. Warning:No baggage policy. The art of detachment being practiced in the most practical way.

The Lord never takes something without replacing it. 

So instead of jumping back into the boat, I will dive. I will dive deeper into the waters. If I will drown, it'll be from his love. If I'll choke it'll be from His relentless giving of compassion and forgiveness. If I lose my breath it'll be from the beautiful unveiling of His plans for me. I am in the here and now. I am exactly where I am meant to be. If I am securely anchored in Christ, I can rest in the knowledge that His Holy Spirit will guide me to the next leg of my spiritual journey.

Being unemployed puts me in a deeper state of spiritual hunger.  Right now He's telling me to focus on the Archdiocese of Toronto and see the opportunities that exist there; this is mission beyond the comforts of my CFC-Youth community. Why not cast the net there? I have nothing to lose.

God sows seeds. If we clear out the clutter in our hearts and minds He will show us exactly where we can reap a fruitful harvest. This is His vineyard. Not ours. Anything and everything we collect belongs to Him.



Ad maiorem Dei gloriam.
To God be the greater glory.

Pruning a tree

Do you know why trees get pruned?
Promise, there's a point to this. So hear me out....

Trees get pruned to...

• remove dead, damaged and diseased branches to help prevent insect & decay organisms from entering the tree.

• Remove co-dominant leaders. Co-dominant leaders are 2 branches growing near the top of a tree that grow straight up and become equally dominant. Cutting off one allows the other branch to grow & become the dominant branch. 

• stimulate growth in sparse areas of the tree.

For about a decade and a half I allowed a particular branch in my life to grow wildly and out of control. It was an area of my life that I thought could be maintained with my patience and love. So for a very long time I poured everything into that one branch. It was damaged and diseased, but I never lost hope. Slowly that one branch sucked out all the goodness that could have gone to other areas of my life.

Pruning does wound the tree. Trees don't actually ‘heal’ their wounds. A branch that has been cut off is permanently gone and nothing else grows there. What does happen is that the tree "seals" its wounds. Over time the tree creates some sort of callus around the wound and covers the initial cut. Inside the tree, some chemical boundary is formed around the wounded area which compartmentalizes it. This prevents decay. 

By the time I noticed how toxic that branch was, it was already sensitive and close to dying. It was the first branch of many and many good things came from it. If I tended to it, wouldn't it eventually just get better? "Eventually" became one year, then another, then another. Fourteen years later I was left with nothing but a tree that had stopped growing properly because the diseased branch was taking up too much. The issue wasn't about whether or not something should be done or what. It was when. I never had enough courage to place both feet firmly planted on the ground. Many times over I made the decision to just let it go, but I never could. 

I finally allowed God to be the one to prune me so it could be done properly. It hurt to have Him do it, and it still stings a lot. The cut was sharp, quick and final. I knew that nothing would ever grow there again which is probably why I held off of it for so long. It's unfortunate that I didn't let God have full control until things really started dying, but how else could a stubborn person like me learn? That branch might have been important in the beginning, but I realized how I had to start growing again. I need to grow. 

Just so, every good tree bears good fruit, and a rotten tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, not can a rotten tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. So by their fruits you will know them. -Matthew 7:17-20

To be honest, I don't know where God is leading me. However, I can be secure in the knowledge that regardless of the place, my feet are facing forward. Everything that has happened to me in the past two years have contained nothing but blessings upon blessings. The Lord has been outpouring His love for me in so many ways and that was while I carried the decaying branch. How much more growth can happen now that I've cut if off?

I'm trying to ask Mama Mary to show me how to be patient. I've been asking her to help me trust in Her Son the same way she did; to obey & to witness. She's had a very strong presence in my life the past two weeks and I can honestly say that this is the first time in twenty-four years I've really acknowledged her. She's done nothing but console me during this most vulnerable time of my life.

I've been allowing myself to be sensitive to the Spirit this past week and this is the message that kept coming up: Yes, healing hurts, but it doesn't have to be torturous. God's timing is so perfect and even throughout this whole ordeal He's allowed me to enjoy the process. He's allowed me to see far greater things than what I was accustomed to. I'm not at my best but my heart is confident because I have a future full of hope.

Lord, thank you for pruning that branch off for me. Now I can truly continue to BLOOM where you have planted me.

Words.

The rising and the falling,

the floating and the sinking,
of these carefully calculated and assembled letters called words.
An exchange; given and received.
It fills up the room seeping into every corner and crevice.

Words,
How easily you allow them to escape from you
The sweet melody and soft harmonies fall lightly like dewdrops
The heat lingers on my skin
Each syllable embracing my body and I feel its warmth.

Words,
How they fill the distance between us
Building bridges and passages,
A private highway from your mouth to my heart
Removing oceans, evaporating seas
And all you have to do is simply
...Speak.
I am filled to the brim, ripping at the seams because of you and your...

Words,
Hungry I ate, Thirsty I drank
Consuming every promise, every apology,
every declaration and excuse.
Every thought and idea you planted in my mind like seeds-
watered by my love and my every affection shone like the sun.
Your words grew,
They grew and they sprouted. They sprouted but never blossomed.
And I ask myself, Why?

Words,
The staleness in the air: recycled, reused, remastered.
They lie there cold, flat, and unmoving.
And I try to breathe life back into them
energies transferred, draining me without a moment’s notice.
Breathe.

How could I have survived on nothing but, words?
When yours came fat free with no sugar,
low on truth and half the respect
My reflection looking back- Thin. Frail. Fragile.
All because I fed on nothing but,
Words.
They come at no expense for you,
but they charge double to me-
investments high at the interest of my heart.
Sorry, no return policy. But, delivery? Sure that’s free.
No warning given, transactions are final.

Words,
While yours float like air, mine sink like gravity
Carrying the weight of the ache in my chest,
the pain in my eyes,
the struggle in my lungs.
Bringing us back down to reality:
That all you ever give me are words.
Which are nothing but carefully calculated letters
different combinations serving some sort of purpose;
Your happiness not mine.
I hear it, and the notes are flat. The chords are sharp.

The deafening noise of silence that exists from Point you to point me.

Now these....
These are words, but they are mine,

Though your satisfaction I cannot guarantee.

Words.
Mine may not build bridges and pathways, roads or tall towers,
But they uncover the dirt and rough surfaces-
The mess. The cracks. Imbalanced.
Imperfect but home grown and organic.
No frills, No cheap thrills.
       

You say what we are is priceless, but you just measured us in words
Which are nothing but carefully calculated letters, put together to sound better.

I have no need for words, for they limit and constrict
That which exists.....deep within me.

So I'll remain silent and timorous. Giving you back what's due. 

The Bare. The Bold. That which is anchored in truth:
That I am worth more than your words.